Why Are You Crying? (A lesson in trusting God)
The cold toilet seat was hard beneath me, as I sat there with tears streaming freely down my cheeks. Locked within the tiny hotel bathroom, my mind raced in confusion, frustration and doubt. The future was uncertain and the outlook blurry. How did we get here? My mind raced back three months prior.
I dropped my husband off for his interview at the processing plant which was located in the little town of Dexter, MO. Since we knew, if he landed this position, we would not want to live in that community, I took the short drive over to the next, much larger town. As I explored the area, my heart told me this was not the place we wanted to have our next adventure.
An hour later, my husband piled back into the rental car, excitement spread across his face. “That went great. I think I might get this job.” My heart sank. I was ready and eager to move to a new state and try new things, but I was not impressed with what I had seen so far.
“The manager told me we would want to check out the Cape Girardeau area as a possible city to live in when I told him you were driving around looking at the next town over.”
So, he turned the car northbound on I-55 and we drove for fifty-five minutes as he chatted away about the plant, all that he saw, things he already wanted to improve and other future plans. I had seen this flash of fire in his eyes and heard the excited anticipation in his voice before. If all went according to plan, we would be selling our house and moving westward.
Coming into the city, I could already tell this would be a much better fit than what I had drove through earlier that morning. Cape was roughly the size of our current hometown, and was situated right on the Mississippi River. Ironically enough, our little city in Kentucky also sat on the banks of a river. It felt cozy and oddly familiar.
We toured the main strip, explored some side roads and my spirits lifted. I could feel the possibilities bubbling up within me. We stopped for lunch at the local Applebee’s and chatted plans, moving and every possible scenario we could imagine.
I looked him deep in his eyes after an hour of discussion. “What are you thinking overall?”
“I want this job.” he said without hesitation.
“Ok, then we will start praying and see what God has for us. If the door opens, I’m willing to walk through this with you.”
And so we prayed, asking for clear direction and wisdom. We wanted all avenues to close, if this was not where He wanted us to be. This was not our first out of state job offer. Two months prior, we had traveled to Iowa where he interviewed and was offered a position. He accepted at first, but then turned them down, as he just could not find peace with his “yes”. We needed to know without a doubt moving to Missouri would be what was best for our family.
The offer came quickly and it hit every box we said we needed. God was plowing the way. As we progressed, other pieces of the puzzle started to click effortlessly into place. I was offered a job almost immediately, in the same line of work I had been doing for the last five years.
In searching for childcare for our littles, I toured a daycare that was established within a church. I loved it immediately, but was heartbroken when they said they didn’t think they would have room for our youngest daughter. I thanked her and left downhearted. The next day, I received a call letting me know a spot had opened up in the pre-k room so they would be able to accommodate both of our girls if we were still interested.
One road block after another continued to be removed, so by the time we had our house on the market in Kentucky, and moved into one of the local hotels until we could sell and buy a new home in Missouri, we knew God’s hand was on this relocation. We had two months of paid housing/hotel living through the company. That would be plenty of time to sell and find a new dwelling.
I stared at my phone, wishing the conversation I had just had with our realtor in Kentucky was different. He had called to give us our first offer after being on the market for over a month and it was terrible, laughable, cryable. We were running out of time. I locked myself in the only place of solitude a person can find in a hotel room with two toddlers, sat on the toilet and began to sob.
My thoughts become a cry to the Lord.- I just don’t understand God? We prayed and all the doors opened. We had such peace over this move, and you have shown Yourself faithful more than once. Why won’t our house sell? We are running out of time for the company stipend and you know we cannot afford two house payments. What are we….?
The frantic swirl of word vomit that was happening in my head, was interrupted by a different voice. Not an audible voice, but one I heard as clearly as if He was sitting right in front of me.
“Why are you crying?”
I froze. As I sat there totally caught off guard by the invading question, I quickly processed what I was being asked and a massive flood of words and emotions began to pour from of my mind again.
“We thought for sure we were supposed to move and take this new position, but now we are running out of time and You know we cannot afford two house payments and..”
The interruption came again.
“Do you not think I can sell your house?”
I paused to ponder this new inquiry. Was this a trick question?
“Of course you can sell our house. You are God, You can do anything.”
“Then why are you crying?”
The tears ceased almost immediately as I took in the magnitude of what the Lord was trying to teach me. And then I repented. The weight of my actions came crashing on me and I realized my tears represented a lack of trust and crafted a definition of Christ that was not true. Essentially, I was telling Him- “You are not big enough to handle this situation. You are not faithful.”
For far too long we have allowed fear to rule our emotions and paint a false portrait of our Lord. When uncertainty arises, how do you respond? Do you remain calm, or do you find the nearest toilet seat and have a good ole’ pity party like myself?
When we allow anxiety, doubt, worry, stress, fear and the need for control to rule our lives every time the wind blows in the wrong direction we think it should, we practice unbelief.
If you truly believed, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that in all things God works for the good of those who love him and are called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28), your stress level would remain at zero.
But more times than not, and I’m just as guilty, we melt down emotionally and sometimes even physically, when this journey we are on takes a sharp, unexpected turn, or we are stopped by road construction.
The lesson I learned that day was monumental in my faith walk, and I pray it helps you as well.
Why do we doubt a God who knows all and sees all?
Why do we allow fear of the unknown to overwhelm us, when we serve the Alpha and Omega- the beginning and end, and everything in-between for that matter.
He is all powerful- do you truly believe that?
He holds everything together with His righteous right hand, so I’m fairly certain He will be able to hold your life together too, no matter how shattered.
The Master formed you in your mother’s womb, knitted together perfectly.
All creation was spoken into existence by the breath in the Lord’s lungs.
He can open blind eyes, cause the lame to walk and bring forth a dead man from the grave.
Jesus Christ stepped off His throne, clothed Himself in human flesh, lived, died and rose again on the third day; all of which shattered the power of sin, death and the grave and repaired the broken bridge between humanity and God the Father.
I need you to stop and think about these things and all of the other miracles I didn’t list, the next time your blood pressure starts to rise from worry. What would happen if we refused to be overtaken by fear, shoved it back down where it belongs and stood unwavering even in the middle of the unknown?
There would be peace beyond understanding and joy without measure. There would be a blessed assurance this world cannot match or recreate. The devil would be ticked off, because you finally figured it all out. He actually has no power over you- other than what you give him. (*let that truth nugget sink in for a second)
I still don’t trust perfectly. I have seasons where I struggle and stress, but then I remember how faithful my Lord is and I push through my emotions that do nothing but feed me lies and I move forward in the assurance my God has it all under control. I believe to the core of my being, He charts my every step. I have no reason to fear.
If you struggle with unbelief, I challenge you to start praying for the Lord to help you defeat that stronghold. Have Him reveal areas in your life where you lack trust and begin to work through why.
It may be from past traumas stemming from earthly parents, friends, or others that let you down, so it’s hard for you to believe the same will not be said of your Heavenly Father. Or perhaps you have been waiting on the Lord, and still no answers are coming and your tank is on empty.
This part of our faith walk is probably one of the most difficult for us. We are but flesh and we like to have a feeling of control over our destiny and for things to happen within our personal, designated timeline. But, if we can reach a place of total peace and surrender and lay every unknown situation into the hands of our very capable Savior, the reward is priceless. Weight like you cannot imagine, will be lifted off and you can mount up on wings like eagles! You will run and not grow weary. (Isaiah 40:31)
The moment I repented and told my Jesus I was sorry for doubting, I determined in my heart to take my hands off of the situation and trust fully in the Almighty. I came out of that hotel bathroom a different person than when I went in.
And yes, our house sold. We were a week and half over our housing stipend allowance with the company, which wasn’t too much too cover.
Oh, but wait- just for some extra buttercream on top- the company agreed to cover the shortfall. We were not out of pocket any expenses.
Don’t tell me He can’t do it! And He can do it for you too.
Just trust Him.