Et tu, Brute?

The hot, piercing sting of the metal burned deeply within my back.

I never saw it coming.

Totally caught off guard and blindsided, I was frozen in disbelief.

How did we spiral to this?

Had our relationship all been a lie? The person I thought I knew was no longer standing in front of me, but someone (or something) unrecognizable was looking at me with a blank, hollow stare.

The lack of emotion on their face spoke more than the silence, and it told me everything I needed to know and nothing I wanted to hear all at the same time. This long season of friendship was over.

Betrayal has a unique way of ripping your heart out and grinding it into the dirt, as you stand watching helpless to intervene in saving yourself from the intense pain.

I speak from experience, as my husband and I are currently walking through the crushing weight of having someone we have loved, trusted and considered a dear friend, morph, seemingly overnight, into a most dreadful creature.

This is not the first time I have been caught off guard by someone I trusted and I’m sure it will not be the last. In all transparency, I have also been on the other side, as the betrayer, as my sinful flesh is no better than any other.

But this season has been difficult and I have cried many times over this current loss. When you encounter such a jarring experience, your mind will play games and you begin to question every conversation, every look, every moment.

How can someone who seemed so genuine, turn out to be so fake? Or perhaps a better question is how could I have been so easily duped?

My broken heart wants to believe the laughter was sincere. Every moment spent in community wasn’t an act. All the stories shared, joy released and memories exchanged meant just as much to them, as it did to us, but when you are trying to recover from the knife wound in your back, it’s hard to find the good.

I’m sure I’m not alone.

I’m confident there are others who have walked a similar path.

So, how do we respond, when the experience literally knocks the wind out of your lungs? I think you know me well enough by now, to predict where this is going.

“Then Peter came up and said to him, ‘Lord, how often will my brother sin against me and I forgive him? As many as seven times?’ Jesus said to him, ‘I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven.’” (Matthew 18:21-22)

“But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.” (Matthew 5:44)

Prayer over the person who has wronged you and forgiveness is not easy, but it is Godly and what we are called to do.

Sometimes those prayers are said with tears streaming down your cheeks. Other times through clenched jaws of anger. And even some days you cannot find the words to speak, for the pain is so intense you can only sit in silence. All are honest, appropriate responses to the sorrow you are feeling.

Forgiveness, I am completely convinced, is super natural. The power of the Holy Spirit is what gives us the mercy and grace to release emotions that are volatile and toxic. Left to our own choice, more times than not, we will hold resentments. When we have been unfairly treated or abused, we feel justified to remain frozen in that moment and marinate. And depending on how deep the hurt goes or how traumatic the offense, it can totally be seen as understandable.

This is why I believe only God can give us the strength to forgive those who have wronged us. Who, but God, is able to hang from crude, wooden boards, grasping for His every breath and still cry out- “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.” (Luke 23:34) I can promise you, that would be beyond my power or even my comprehension, to utter such words at a time like that.

I am so thankful that our Lord immersed Himself in humanity. Of course, this act bought our freedom, but walking among us, He not only saw every struggle we face, but also experienced it Himself. He knows, deeply, the hurts we encounter. Also be reminded that our Jesus understands betrayal better than any of us.

One of his own sold him for the slaughter, in exchange for 30 pieces of silver.

All eleven of His chosen disciples ran away during Jesus’ arrest in the Garden of Gethsemane.

Peter followed in the shadows out of curiosity, not care or concern; for when challenged regarding his relationship with the Christ, he denied Jesus three times.

They lived, traveled, ate and did life together for three years. They spoke of love and devotion. All of them claimed to be faithful and true to Him. They all hurt him deeply in the end.

Our Lord knows and understands your pain. Take your broken heart and lay all the pieces down at His feet. He is a skilled craftsman and can put them all together again.

It may take time to fully heal. It could be a difficult and daunting task. Some days you will feel stronger than others, this is normal. The process of grief is real, so give yourself time.

I continue to pray for my friend, even in the middle of my sadness. There are times I will have a memory and all the raw emotions will flood over me again, as the tears find their way back down my face.

And again I take it to my Daddy God, and ask Him to fix it, to help me, to heal me.

Please reach out through my email on my contact page and let me know if you need extra prayer over a similar situation. I will be happy to keep you covered.