A Story of Freedom

The air around me was thick as it ran through my lungs like sludge. This was nothing new. Just another day for me. Constant pressure bearing down on my chest; every exhale and inhale labored and strenuous.

But to look at me, well - one would never suspect I was in perpetual distress, fighting the ever present tentacles of asphyxiation which wrapped around my throat. That smile was Broadway worthy. Please hand me a Tony, for I have managed to bewitch my audience once again with gaiety and a masterful handling of my outward chameleon. There was no shade of color I could not morph into. It was brilliant really.

And completely exhausting. It’s an odd thing, going about your days, living a life and yet having absolutely no idea who you are. Thoughts in my mind constantly directing, coaching, leading so I could dance for the people and perform for the masses. Who do you need me to be? Let me know, for I am sure I can easily conjure up another tantalizing fantasy to win your approval and affection.

There it is. The key to the heavy, lead lock which secured the chains tightly around me. The insatiable desire to belong, to be loved and to be wanted, needed, important. Unfortunately, although I had knowledge as to what was keeping me in fetters, I lacked the wisdom to escape. The creature who was my overseer, whose name is Insecurity, had long since misplaced the key, making it virtually impossible to flee.

If you have not met him, please count yourself as fortunate. There is a perplexing paradox which he carries with him, that he skillfully crafts and molds to fit precisely within the caverns of the brain of his victims. You see, I would believe to the core of my being I had zero talents or abilities in the arts I so deeply loved, obviously lacked intelligence within academic circles and possessed a face which no man would ever fancy or desire.

Oh, but the show was all there! Here begins the paradoxical parade of self confidence, poise, beauty and pride rolling down Main Street to the tune composed by the creature himself. Insecurity screaming orders within my very soul, controlling every move, jump and twirl. You mustn’t let them know how inept you truly are, so sing louder, speak longer and apply more makeup. Keep them guessing. Play the part.

The tone of his voice is always harsh and condescending. It’s never enough for him. No matter what corrections I attempted to make, I could not appease his constant criticism. So, I continued on through my days, as the chains which entangled me grew heavier than that of ole’ Jacob Marley’s.

I did not dream or imagine any other way of life, for once you have behaved a certain way for so long, it becomes your truth. And if that is your truth, why would you possibly long for change? You will not change what you do not recognize as ill-fitting and therefore; you will continue on wearing a version of yourself that is three sizes too big or worse, three sizes too small.

That is until the day I sat crumpled like a rag doll on the floor of my closet, sobbing and broken. The creature Insecurity had completed his finest work in me to date. The whole of my world was shattered into tiny splinters, and I did not possess the skill to repair the immense devastation I had just caused to those I claimed to love the most.

The Dark Night of my soul had arrived. I always knew it was stalking me, but I foolishly believed I could outwit this cousin of Insecurity somehow and evade its deadly claws. I cannot do this anymore. Please, Lord- take this from me. The desperate cry in my mind was released with a fervent passion I did not know I possessed, as I begged the One I had met long ago as a young girl, to find me again.

My thoughts raced back to my younger self and to the Presence that enclosed me with such love that Sunday night long ago, that I was immediately scooped up to a place of safety. I recalled the invitation to come and meet the One who beckoned me home to a fortress no thing of this world could permeate. With child like faith, I ran to greet Him. I was so compelled to confess my sins once I approached His warmth, it was not difficult or shameful in the slightest. There was an overwhelming sense of trust, knowing my heart was protected by Him. Even as a child, I knew I was now His daughter.

That same Presence walked into my closet, and sat shoulder to shoulder with me on the floor. He was not angry that it had been so very long since we had spoken, even as I was ashamed to recall it had been many, many years. Once again, the fullness of trust washed over me, just like when I was a child, as I admitted to every wicked deed, begging His pardon for my guilt.

I could not be certain at first glance of what I saw, for the flow of tears blurred my vision and limited my sight, but it was obvious there was something in the palm of His hand. Collecting myself, I blinked to find clarity and glanced again. I was amazed to see a shiny, brass key; beautifully ornate and as ancient as the dawn of time. He reached over and with one, smooth, graceful motion, slid it into the lock and turned it, giving me my freedom.

I thought that was lost long ago?

Reading my thoughts, He began to speak.

My daughter, I hold the keys to Death and Hades, there is nothing lost or wasted. That too was a lie you believed, for Insecurity was required to hand Me this key over two thousand years ago. My blood was payment enough to buy you back from destruction, for I am your Kinsmen Redeemer.

The Spirit of the Lord is upon Me, because the Lord has anointed Me to bring good news to the poor; He has sent Me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives and the opening of the prison to those who are bound. You have been bound for far too long, but who the Son sets free, is free indeed. My child, your faith has healed you, now go and sin no more, being careful not to return again to a yoke of slavery.

I have walked in His freedom for over 25 years now, and my former self is nothing but a hollow statue; like a lifeless wax figure at the county fair- dead and gone. I celebrated at the funeral, strange I know; but then again my entire life had been lived as a paradox, so why not shout for joy and laugh until tears flowed freely at the death of what once tried to kill me.

Oh- and I took a nice, long walk today. The air was crisp, clear and light as a feather.